FMW 05/05/2001

IWA (Puerto Rico) World Heavyweight Title Match

Ricky Banderas (C) vs. Chocoball Mukai

The sheer absurdity of Ricky Banderas, a man destined for the blood-soaked glory of latter-day deathmatches, being a pretty boy and making his entrance to “Livin’ la Vida Loca” never fails to be sublime. He was defending the vaunted IWA title here on foreign soil—ironically, in a promotion that perfectly matched the hardcore violence of his future blood and guts persona. Every time I hear a Japanese announcer drop the name of Victor Quiñones, I can’t help but wonder if they’re saying, “You know this guy in the ring is sexually beholden to Victor Quiñones,” almost regardless of who’s in the match.

This particular contest, despite the earnest efforts of both wrestlers, was met with a deadly silence that rivaled that of a local library. Banderas tried to inject some violence, delivering a crackling chair shot to Mukai’s back on the floor, then diligently worked the back for classic pro wrestling psychology. The crowd remained stone-cold (and not Steve Austin). Banderas then seemed to pivot, deciding, “Ah, these are Japanese fans! They want realism!” He transitioned into a sequence of competent, yet utterly undesired, armbars. Their work was solid, but nothing clicked with the live crowd.

The crowd finally bought an awesome Mukai German Suplex as a plausible false finish, but that was essentially the extent of their enthusiasm in this whole thing. Banderas closed out the match with a frog splash that looked less like a soaring aerial maneuver and more like a bird abruptly shot mid-flight, falling to earth for the cover at the 7:58 mark.

No wonder Banderas eventually decided his true calling was the therapeutic ritual of regular self-mutilation. These two genuinely tried and worked hard, but the match was slightly messy, and the graveyard crowd offered zero assistance. Final note: I must concede that Heartthrob Ricky Banderas could probably seduce any woman you know purely by gazing at them. The kids, I believe, call that kind of undeniable magnetism “Dripping in Hoo-Hah.” Word. **